A little late, but here's the latest installment of the silliness that is our Christmas letter. Yes, I am aware that I copied my own copy...I am also aware that we were not the first to fashion this pic. It was just too perfect to pass up.
If you give the [insert family name here] a Christmas card, they’ll want a letter to go with it. Seeing the Christmas letter will remind them that they should write one also, in the silliest way possible, mentioning the Jewkes family along the way (since 2003!). Cheryl will sit down to write the letter and nothing silly will come to mind. So she’ll look for some mojo. She’ll sift through this year’s Facebook statuses, where all important moments are recorded, which will reveal how unintentionally funny A is, which will remind Cheryl of her mom.
Thinking of her mom will remind her of the trip everyone took to California this summer to spend time with Grandma and Grandpa and assorted aunts, uncles and cousins. She’ll remind G that the Happiest Place on Earth is not the freezer aisle at Costco, but is, in fact, Disneyland. Thinking of Disneyland will remind the kids of Cheryl’s requirement (it is an actual requirement, you know) to skip down Main Street—which they did.
Skipping will remind R of her feelings when she earned her Young Women Medallion this spring, and weaving in and out of crowds at Disneyland will remind her of learning to drive and getting her driver’s license in September. Cheryl will remember teaching R how to drive, which was always a reminder of her own mortality. She’ll want a seat belt to go with that. She’ll wonder, “Which is better…potty training or driver’s training?” Thinking of potty training will remind her how glorious it is that R #2 no longer needs diapers or a stroller, especially at Disneyland or on a rainy day in Baltimore at the museum during spring break. He’d rather tear it up on his bike, weaving back and forth and skidding to abrupt stops. But this is just an excuse to mention Disneyland again.
Mentioning Disneyland again will remind Cheryl of another summer vacation to the Great Smoky Mountains for G’s parents’ first family reunion and how fun it was to see so many [family name]'s in one place. Thinking of the Great Smoky Mountains will remind them of driving next to the stream close to the trail head. Seeing the stream will inspire A to say, “Wow, that river is really polluted. Wait…those are just rocks.” Poor suburban girl. Thinking of poor urban areas will remind Cheryl and G of the irony of J’s Eagle Scout project, which was to paint an entire two-bedroom apartment in Washington, DC. They’ll remember that in 1994 a pact was made that the two should never paint together for the sake of their marriage. They’ll break the pact for the day and keep the marriage intact. Phew, that was close.
Keeping things intact will remind Cheryl of S’s inability to keep teeth in his head. Cheryl and G try to remind S that all he wants for Christmas is his two front teeth, but he’s not buying it. No one needs reminding that the tooth fairy should be fired for not showing up on time. Being on time is something Cheryl reminds R and J (every single day) as they leave to attend seminary which starts at 6:00 am. This will remind Cheryl that she will have a child in seminary every single school day until 2025. She’ll need tissues to go with those tears (uh, of joy).
Tears are what are usually expected from A, also known as Weeping Whiskers of the Cry-Me-A-River Clan (Warrior Cats reference, if you’re not a 9 yr old girl). Thinking of warriors will remind everyone of the time when G interviewed R’s date while sharpening his machete. R is reminded that the embarrassment has only just begun. Beginning things will remind B of his new responsibility to pass the sacrament at church. He’ll take it very seriously and understand its importance. He will not, however, take seriously the orthodontist’s advice to not eat chips with his new braces. Neither will J. This could quite possibly be the only area where those two agree.
Agreement between brothers will remind Cheryl of the sweet relationship R #2 and S have. They’ll want to play Pokemon and the Wii together. Playing Pokemon will inspire S to plaster the hallway with more than 100 hand-drawn evolutions of Pokemon characters. Thinking of characters will remind S of all those people in the Harry Potter books he has been reading this year, mostly before bed. Cheryl will remind him to turn out his light and go to sleep, which is also something she reminds R and J every day, so they can get up on time.
When R and J get up on time, they drive to seminary in LaFawnDuh (the new-to-[family name] little truck) which reminds them of how J dressed up as Napoleon Dynamite for Halloween. And dressing up reminds them how J’s friend, Landon, dressed up on Halloween as “Brother So and So on a Sunday”, complete with iPad, suit and glasses.
G in a suit holding an iPad reminds Cheryl of G’s smiles as fellow church members relate how Brother So and So roped them into speaking in Sacrament Meeting. Thinking of church will remind G how important faith and prayer became when his business partner and close friend died suddenly at the end of August, leaving him the sole “vir” in charge at work. Thinking of prayer reminds G, Cheryl and all of the kids that God is always there to help us, and He wants us to have joy, which is why He sent Jesus to earth. Thinking of Jesus and joy will remind Cheryl of Christmas. She’ll need to finish her Christmas letter. And chances are, if she finishes the letter, she’ll want a Christmas card to go with it.
Love, G, Cheryl, R (16), J (14), B (12), A (9), S (7), and R #2 (4)
*Please apologize to Laura Numeroff and her Mouse, Pig, and Moose for us.
